Current Residence: Skövde, Sweden
Favourite genre of music: Trance/Classical/Rock
Favourite style of art: Fantasy
Operating System: Windows
Wallpaper of choice: Minimalistic
Favourite cartoon character: Lilo & Stitch
Personal Quote: "Lotten skrapades och vinsten var given!"
The last few days has not been that great. I don't often post journals like this because i rather post things that is related to my artwork. Though this is related to it in a way i guess. most of the time i just bottle up my problems so i don't have to bother others with it, but if i keep going it usually ends badly. So for once, i am going to at least try and start posting things maybe not directly related to my artwork all the time, to let off some steam. dA is more to me then just a place where i showcase my work so i should try
and be little less closed in.
Though i still don't like posting things like this but a lot of friends are asking if I'm ok and what's going on, so I'll try to explain.
It's something I've been trying to deal with for a long time. I'm sure some of you know i call myself a perfectionist. And the reason for that is because I've never looked at my own artwork and truly been happy with what I've created. I could be somewhat satisfied but in the back of my head i always think the same thing "It's alright, but not good enough." Almost everything i do is plagued with this way of thinking. It's part of that I've always been in the shadow of those i admire. I need to be as good as they are, or i won't be good enough. "If i can't match their skills I'm not doing good enough." That's why I'm never really proud of what i do because I'm telling myself i could have done better. It's a constant uphill battle that never ends. The goals i set are unrealistically high and i will most likely never reach them. But i can't turn it off... How can i expect myself to reach a goal that i set so unrealistically high? I guess it's a bit hypocritical of me to think like that because i tell other people to be happy and proud of what they make, yet i don't think like that about my own work.
This line of thought is a double-edged sword for me. Since i constantly convince myself that the things i do always can be better, i always aim to improve, and i do. But since the goal is set so insanely high, i always feel unpleased and never satisfied with myself. And it's starting to get to me. It's tearing away at my creativity. "I can never go backwards, the next one has to be better then the last." "It need to be better!" "it's not good enough... not good enough..."
It's frustrating and I'm certain that many of you share this problem. I just wish i could change my mindset somehow and stop setting my goals so far out of reach so i can truly be happy with what i accomplish.